Lost = Lucky.

At times, I feel very lost. Confused. Asking my self, what is the point of life? Will I always feel lost? Does true happiness really exist? True contentment?

 

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Women are born with 1 million eggs, in a lifetime, they will release 300-400 eggs. In one male ejaculation, there are between 200-500 million sperm. In a month, for a young healthy female and male having unprotected sex, there is on average, only about 11% chance of getting pregnant without trying.

Maybe, the feeling of being lost, of having your back up against a wall…maybe it is actually a very natural feeling. Its how our journey began, from the day of conception, it has been a fight, an odds against you sort of thing. Some, obviously, face harder situations than others, but nonetheless, we all had to fight to get here, and have to fight stay here.

So, what am I trying to say…what is my conclusion…It was a fight to get here, so we should also realize we are so lucky to be here, even though it may not feel like it at times. It may feel like the odds are against us…but if you look at the math above, the odds have always been against us. Our conception, the egg and sperm you are made up of, coming together, that was pure luck. The right place at the right time.

I am lost, and I am lucky. We are all. We have to fight, but in being alive, we are lucky.

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My Mind Scares Me

Sometimes, my mind scares me. How deeply I think of some things, how I perceive the world, people around me…my daily interactions. I feel like I feel too much, I catch a lot of things most people don’t…I can immediately immerse my self in someone else’s story, feel what they feel, and offer complete and utter attention.

I think a lot of the time, I’m scared to own this. I spend a lot of time thinking life would be so much easier if I didn’t think so much (lol). If I didn’t analyze everything and everyone. If I didn’t always want to know WHY…if I didn’t care so much about how my actions affect others…life would just be EASIER.

I’m definitely an empath through and through, I have a bad habit of sacrificing myself for others gains, something I am working on. I need to be a little more selfish, for the benefit of myself.

Anyways, I’m trying a new thing…where every day I tell myself I’m good, I’m good enough. This is my mind, and its all I have, until the day I die. So, I need to love it. I need to own it. I need to see the positives. Even though I feel this overthinking mind is the reason why I experience anxiety, depression, panic attacks, high levels of stress in general…It will also be the reason why I will be successful. Why, I will win in my life story.

Its scary to love yourself, to love your mind. But, I’m starting to believe it is the only way to true happiness.

7 months of HSV2

So, it has been about 7 months of living with my new friend, HSV2, and I’ve figured out a few things that seem to be working to keep my outbreaks under control.

After I was diagnosed, I took it very seriously and starting taking a ton of different vitamins and minerals…then, I got lazy and quite frankly just didn’t want to deal with it…and then BAMBAMBAM, outbreak after friggen outbreak! That is when I realized, this new friend is more of a stubborn bitch.

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I am sharing my regime in hopes that it helps others who are also struggling/new to the HSV2 relationship.

Firstly, I have figured out my triggers; stress and exhaustion (like almost everyone else). Avoiding these two things is extremely difficult, but I find even deep breathing helps!

Second, I have not been lazy about taking my vitamins!

Currently, everyday I take:

  • Multi-vitamin x2
  • Vitamin C x2
  • Zinc
  • L-Lysine
  • Selenium
  • Theracurmin

Finally, I take Epsom salt baths nearly every day, and I apply extra strength Zinc Cream aka Diaper Rash Cream (lol) to the area my outbreak occurs, during an out break as well as when I have no outbreak at all. During an outbreak I also apply Apple Cider Vinegar to the sores to assist in fast healing. I also drink a TON of Green Tea! Drink it, drink it, drink it and then drink some more!

Since I have been sticking to this routine, it has been over a month and a half since I’ve had an outbreak! YAY!

Fingers crossed this keeps working for me, and maybe works for you too!

 

I Stopped Wearing Deodorant

I’ve been wanting to give up conventional women’s deodorant for quite some time now. After watching numerous documentaries on how many awful chemicals are in deodorant, I decided when my Mum sent me an all natural deodorant, there was no better time to make the switch.

So, does all natural deodorant work? Yes and no. The scent is great (I use Sage Floral http://www.saje.com/ca/natural-deodorants/) and I love the refreshing feel it gives to my underarms when I spray it on…honestly it helps wake you up! And it armpits-thumb.jpgdefinitely works…if I’m not doing activities that work up a sweat, that is.

I also really enjoy how it naturally wears off, which may be a deterrent to some people, but I loved getting to know my bodies natural smell. At different times of the month, I noticeably smelt different. Not sure if this has something to do with a woman’s cycle, but nonetheless it was very cool to notice such a natural body process.

One day, I woke up and smelt awful…not just body odour after a long run awful, but genuinely stinky (may be a good time to mention I don’t have an overly powerful natural scent). Anyways, I did not smell good, and within a few hours I had come down with an awful cold! I then wondered if I would have paid more attention to my smell the days leading up, I could of prevented this cold…I’m going to assume, yes!

Sage Floral is the first natural deodorant I had ever tried, and I was really enjoying it! Until about a month after wearing it, I noticed at work, I did not smell very friendly, and as a waitress, you want to be as friendly as possible. So, I have unfortunately switched back to the chemical stuff 😦 . However! If I’m not working, I try to stick to my natural buddy. And in writing this post realized, maybe applying the natural one during my shift might help with the smell/sweat.

Overall though, an extremely positive experience and I totally encourage everyone to give it a try! Maybe soon, there will be a natural deodorant that can last through a sweaty serving shift…& let me know if you’ve found one, please!

 

 

My View on Make-up

My favourite make-up advert is something along the lines of, “Mastering a killer no-makeup makeup look requires some, well, makeup.” Hm. Or you know, you could just NOT wear makeup! This makes me laugh.

I hate how we are all so brain washed into make-up. Honestly, its literal CRAP you are rubbing all over your face, for NO REASON. It is not good for you AND it is expensive as shit. Also, men are not pressured the way woman are to wear makeup. Men, don’t feel the need to cover blemishes…so why do woman? Why do we have to be “picture perfect?”

I stopped wearing makeup almost a year ago now. It has been amazing, truly life altering. I started wearing makeup when I was 12 years old. Now that I think about that, that is insane! I wore makeup for almost 9 years, feeling like I was my best self with a mask on. How insane. Not to mention the amount of money I must have spent in 9 years…holy fuck.

Anyways, not wearing makeup has been fucking fabulous. I’ve never felt better! I’ve saved a crap load of money, and have so much more confidence. When you don’t wear makeup, you literally worry less.

It is great, give it a try!

Sometimes I think life is just a Game

Sometimes, I think life is just a game. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle of winning, and losing. It’s funny how life can be so glorious at times, and then so horrid at others.

If you’ve never experienced any horror in your life, you are amongst the lucky ones.

But, maybe if you have never experienced horror, you can never experience true happiness either. Like, to understand sadness, you must understand what happiness means first, and vice versa.

Anyways, I guess no one really knows. Because all we know, is basically what we humans have defined……….Sometimes, I find that strange.

Thoughts?

To The Boy Who Gave Me Herpes

I’m hesitant to call you a “Man” in the title, because I believe your actions prove that you are anything but a “Man.”

You claim to not have known you have herpes. And even though we did use a condom, the black-out night that I had sex with you, I still contracted your life long virus. (https://www.verywell.com/do-condoms-prevent-herpes-3132940)

When I got the lovely call from the doctor, confirming I had contracted your virus, I asked you if you have herpes. You said no…but also seemed extremely comfortable with the topic, mentioning to me its not a “big deal” and some people “never have symptoms.”

Hm. Two thoughts I would NEVER consider to be true, nor would I have ever known some people don’t have symptoms without doing research.

After I begged you to go to the doctor to confirm if you had the virus, weeks later you told me you went, and tested positive. You then proceeded to apologize IF you had given me the virus. Um, you already know YOU DID. After me, rightfully so, freaking out, and telling you that you better tell every woman you ever sleep with now…you blocked my number.

I want to believe you didn’t know, because what kind of monster has sex with people knowing they could be passing along a LIFE altering virus. But, unfortunately, your actions and my gut tell me otherwise.

I don’t want to feel all this negativity, because in the long run, it is just bad for my health. But, it makes me sick thinking you could still be passing along this virus, putting other woman through the pain and suffering I am going through now.

You seemed too knowledgeable and laid back about it, to having JUST been informed that you are positive…and the fact that I am now blocked from contacting you…doesn’t really lend hand to innocence. And if you were actually unaware, what kind of person blocks someone they gave herpes? You think you’d console them, and want to do whatever you could to make it easier for them…not block them…does anyone agree with this?

Anyways, I am a firm believer in Karma, and whether you knew or not, the degree of Karma you deserve will ALWAYS find you.

So, good luck, Rory. I guess all I can do now and should do now, is leave it in the hands of the Universe, and believe you will be rewarded with exactly what you deserve.

Easy Dieting

I honestly believe the easiest way to maintain a healthy body is by how much we eat. Get that? How MUCH…not WHAT we eat. I have been practicing this method for many years now.

I eat whatever I want, I just make sure I don’t over eat. It’s amazing what the body can do. Its ability to process foods is much greater when we haven’t gone overboard.

I also enjoy this method of dieting, because it is better for the planet. When you consume less, you realize your body actually does just fine on less. And just like that, not only does your BMI improve, but your carbon foot print decreases. (Feel free to apply the consume less method in other areas of your life).

This is 100% the easiest route to maintaining a healthy body. Listen to what your body tells you. Eat when you are actually hungry, not because it is “dinner time.” And stop eating when you feel full. If you have difficultly determining fullness try drinking water between bites, chewing for 10-20 seconds, and cutting your meal in half – leaving a portion in the kitchen for later, if need be. I also like to ask myself, “do you need it? or do you just want it?”

It is also thought, that when we think about how we impact others, we are more likely to achieve our goals. So, when you are eating next time, think about how over eating impacts the planet in regards to pollution and waste. Think about the people who are literally dying for a large fry, and think about how that chocolate bar and bag of chips was produced to begin with…(wouldn’t be surprised if it included some unfair labor). Then think, if we all ate the appropriate amounts of food for our bodies, trying to opt for meals that are produced wholly by nature, the food industry would likely become less of a problem for the earth.

And, the best part is, at the end of the day, you reap all the benefits.

Sex & Herpes

Today, I said no to sex for the first time ever. I have a beautiful boyfriend…whom for the first time in a while, tried to seduce me. But, I had to say no, and inform him that unfortunately, I was having a herpes OB at the moment.

Great.

He quickly pulled away and covered himself with the blankets. It is my first OB that we are experiencing “together”. It hurts, physically and mentally. I know it could be worse…I could be alone and have more intense symptoms…but knowing that doesn’t make me any less hurt.

I wish I was a doctor/scientist/someone with the ability to cure herpes.

Anyways, I’ve been applying tea tree oil. This is my second OB. Its definitely worse than the first, but fingers crossed it won’t last as long.

Sad face.

 

Selfie

I think there is a bit of a misconception about the selfie. A lot of people believe posting a selfie can signify low self-esteem, a need for approval, etc. I’ve decided, this must not be entirely true.

When I am depressed, I can hardly look at myself in the mirror, much less consider posting a friggen picture of myself on the internet. When I’m low, I’m very low. My own appearance upsets me.

With that being said, I think maybe we should celebrate the selfie a little more. I’m not saying we should celebrate by posting a photo of our face every day, because thats obviously unnecessary and quite frankly, annoying. But, maybe we should applaud those who feel good enough, to post nothing but a photo of their beautiful face on the internet.

…Maybe a selfie signifies someone giving self love, not being self absorbed.